Notes of an Englishman

Quick question: Has anyone ever listened to a shop assistant for half an hour? No. Then how do people get sucked into the crazy world of the infomercial? Where ‘Just watch!’ and ‘That’s right! Double the amount!’ become the most important things ever broadcasted on television. I don’t sleep well (at night) and I often find myself watching the TV wondering what a new magical device can do next. Has anyone seen the advert for that shaking weight thing? Watch it on YouTube now ……… okay, now does anyone suspect that that was invented by a man? Do you see the movements that the women’s hands make? A favourite movement of men ? Yeah, thought so. An English comedian worked it out and the advert isn’t even shown there. It is still on the air though. Moving on to the big infomercials, does anyone own a Snuggie? I don’t because I own a dressing gown which is a Snuggie flipped backwards with a rope around the middle so it is even more convenient than a Snuggie (long sentence with a lot of grammatical errors but I don’t care). What about the Shamwow? One of the most widely known infomercials. The pitchman for that advert beat up a ‘lady of the night’. Great endorsement Vince! Billy Mays, one of the greatest pitchmen of all time, still has rumours floating around his death. Some people say that he may have died of an overdose of white powder (and it wasn’t Oxi-Clean.). This is the hardcore rock and roll lifestyle of a pitchman. I have to admit that, at 3 am, infomercials can be quite entertaining but if I was fully conscious I would change channels immediately.

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If you are reading this then I would wish to believe that you enjoy my  blog but so far my only views have been in Florida. This makes sense seeing as people who know me live in Florida but it would be great if you could talk about my blog or even just mention the address like Robby Polidoro. Also, feel free to comment as much as you want. If you agree, say so. If you disagree then you can say that as well but you’ll be shown up by my hereditarily superior argumentative skills.

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I believe that I am from a sensible country. I believe this because I have never seen a pickup in England. I am all for having a pickup truck if you need it. If you are a small contracting company and you need to carry a load of bricks then I think that is fine. If you have a pickup with 25″ rims and 5 ft suspension with a confederate flag in the back window and extremely loud country music blasting out of your speakers (an example from a couple of days ago) then I think you are an utter twit (replace the ‘i’ with an ‘a’ if you want to know my real feelings). Personally I think that people who have big cars but no need to have them just have ‘something’  to compensate for. I know that some people think that it looks cool and I don’t disagree that, if it is in the right situation and on the right scale, tricked out pickups aren’t that bad. They still aren’t good though. In Europe at least, pickups don’t even have to go through the same crash tests as ordinary cars. I wouldn’t trust my life to them or be caught dead in one.

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PETA. The very word raises images of protests and over-exaggerated media stunts. These borderline mental patients say that in order to not be cruel to animals, humans must cut off their limbs. Just that remark shows that PETA cares more about animals than humans. Don’t get me wrong though, I care about animal rights. I don’t want baby seals beaten to death by eskimos or whales being hunted by the Japanese. I just think that cutting off all of our extraneous body parts is a bit much. Now I don’t care what your views on vegetarianism are but, living in the English countryside, I kind of got used to seeing cows disappearing overnight and not coming back and I didn’t complain when a burger or a steak landed on my plate. Saying that meat is murder is technically true, but if you actually lived around these sort of occurrences then it is not murder but a way to survive. The human race became omnivores for a reason. If there was a dry spell then herbivores would not get their five fruit and veg a day. This in turn led to carnivores getting less food because the herbivores died out. If you were an omnivore though you could have half of the amount of plants and half the amount of meat per day which would balance out the ratio of plants and meat meaning that there was enough of each for omnivores to survive the dry spell.

Something else PETA says is that humans having pets is animal cruelty. Really? Do they really think that giving an animal food and shelter is animal cruelty? Wow. I am an owner of a dog and, as far as I can remember, I have only gone one or two weeks of my life without at least one dog. I have to say that I treat my dog with an amazing amount of care and attention. According to PETA, I am cruel to animals. Hmm. I’m confused because if I am cruel to animals then why would I volunteer for Big Cat Habitat (something that more people should volunteer for (please http://www.bigcathabitat.org/) for community service)? I must not have done that.

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For any of you who don’t know who the BNP are (pretty much anyone who isn’t from England) it stands for the British Nationalist Party. The BNP are a borderline Nazi party. Their leader, Nick Griffin, is quoted to have said that ‘Blacks walk like monkeys’. These strange and deranged human beings do not allow any person to join their political party unless they are white Britons. This is a xenophobic and incredibly dangerous policy which, if they are elected into power (which won’t happen because England is filled with mainly sane people), could undermine society. The BNP threaten to make all of the immigrants leave. A total of one million people would have to leave the UK and those are only the legal ones. The true number could be much larger. Admittedly this is only one sixty-sixth (as far as I know) of the population of the UK but it is still wrong. Now it is a true and widely held belief that there is an immigration problem in the UK but that is no excuse to persecute people who are contributing to society. What we could do is cut down on unemployment benefits and enforce immigration. Unfortunately, the party that is in control of the UK at the moment (the Labour party) are such wimps that they won’t do it because they assume that it will ‘cut down on the multiculturalism of England’. I think we reached a perfect amount of multiculturalism when I went into a shop and couldn’t buy anything because I didn’t speak Polish (true story). This is the link to the nut case’s website: http://bnp.org.uk/

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President Obama has tried to boycott FOX News this week and although I do not agree in media censorship I do believe that he has done the right thing. There are only so many people who can turn a person’s choice of beer into legitimate evidence of him being a communist. FOX makes me very angry a lot of  the time. Don’t get me wrong though, I am not anti-republican just anti-bias. When President Obama went to a diplomatic meeting in order to give the Olympic committee a bid for Chicago, FOX criticised him on how long he was away. When Hurricane Katrina hit though, FOX failed to mention that Bush was at his ranch for seven-ish weeks and didn’t cut it short. Another thing I don’t like about FOX is their insistence that everyone who disagrees with them is a ‘liberal’.

Just to finish of my very English style rant, I would like to publicly announce that I have been invited to the National Youth Leadership Forum on National Security: Exploring American Diplomacy, Intelligence and Defense and I will be leaving in either the Spring or next Autumn (Fall) to Washington D.C. for a week and I would like to know whether there are any other ODA students invited too.

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I have decided to start a new ‘column’ as such. They’ll be titled ‘Why?’ columns where I will discuss things from the lazy man’s point of view. As a forewarning I must say that I am very cynical and sarcastic so if I do praise anything that you are involved in then be incredibly happy. I may as well post another one today. What shall I write about I wonder?

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Classic.

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Just thought it was funny.

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